Only You Can Give Yourself True Closure
Is it Closure or Just a Last Chance to Make Your Ex See Things Your Way?
Let's talk about closure. More specifically, let’s talk about what you think you need from closure. Getting closure might sound satisfying at the moment, but actually this last conversation is often very painful for both parties, almost always a waste of time, and most likely won’t help you move forward.
Most people when they talk about getting closure, they see it as a chance to dissect what happened, voice grievances, tell their ex why they were the worst, try to get their version of the relationship validated, and they are convinced that this is ultimately what they need to heal. If closure is just a final courtroom-style airing of hurt and betrayal, is it really about healing, or is it just about controlling the narrative?
What Do You Want to Achieve?
Before you send that long-winded text or demand that last emotional autopsy over coffee, ask yourself: Why am I doing this?
Do you want to tell them why they suck?
Do you need them to acknowledge that they were the problem?
Are you trying to gain the moral high ground?
Are you looking for validation that your version of events is the "right" one?
Do you need this conversation in order to move on?
If any of this sounds familiar, then what you're calling closure is really just a last-ditch attempt to force your ex into seeing things your way. Does any of it actually matter now that you’re broken up? Also, do you really want to hear what they think you did wrong - because that will make you feel even worse. You can't make them change or learn to be better. If this is about winning that final argument, it’s not going to work. But if you want to triumph, you can fill your life with pleasure and happiness. Living well is the best revenge.
Do You Really Need Closure to Move On?
Or do you just need to hear yourself say, out loud, why they were a terrible partner? Because if you’re broken up, you already know all the reasons it didn’t work and they are not going to change now. Even if they did listen, you will still be broken up and that would not change. Instead of getting stuck in old grievances, what if you shifted your focus to what this relationship has taught you about yourself and focus on what you need to heal and create a better life for yourself?
It Takes Two to Make It and Two to Break It
Relationships don’t happen in a vacuum. The way things went down, the grievances you’re holding onto, the pain points (abusive dynamics notwithstanding)—it was a part of the dynamic between both of you. And now that it’s over, stop cataloging the sins of the past. It will just make you angrier and keep you from healing and moving on. Stop focusing on what happened and start focusing on what you want to make happen—spend your energy on yourself and not that shithead you broke up with, who is already out the door.
What you really have is an opportunity to learn from your experience and use that knowledge to find partners that will be better for you and also so you can be the best partner for them.
Try asking yourself:
What did I like about the relationship?
What hurt me?
What did I learn about what I really want?
What parts of me were shut down?
Did I do shitty stuff too?
Which needs of mine weren’t met? Which ones were?
Was I sexually satisfied?
What did I sacrifice?
If you really sit with those questions, you'll get far more useful answers than anything your ex could ever tell you.
Build Yourself Up Instead
Closure isn’t something someone else gives you—it’s something you create for yourself. Instead of looking back, focus on moving forward. Learn from the experience, take this opportunity to clarify what you truly value, and develop a plan to get there.
Your breakup is not a loss, but an opportunity to review your communication styles, love languages, buried pain points, forgotten desires, relationship goals, and even your self-doubts and limiting beliefs. You will also learn to describe and give texture to the hurt and betrayal that you experienced so that you can better discern it and other red flags.
It will not be easy work, you will see both your strengths and weaknesses and some of it will be painful and even bring up feelings of shame and failure. But, this discomfort is the growth edge and will give you the push you need to face your pain points and focus on healing and growth.
This process will give you the insight to define your relationship values, desires and boundaries and will lead towards deeper self awareness of how you are in relationships and how you can be the most authentic and embodied going forward. The real healing happens when you stop seeking validation from the past and start stepping confidently into your future. Trust yourself, you can grow and claim your pleasure.
